


In hearts they live

by tveckling



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aden becomes heda, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bittersweet, Clarke has a lot to deal with, Clarke is sort of a mess, F/F, Ghosts, Lexa doesn't have any regrets, Lexa is already dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 08:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6696934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tveckling/pseuds/tveckling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Ambrose who wanted a ghost!au Clexa fic. 'The first time Clarke noticed the figure was in the throne room three days after Lexa's passing.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	In hearts they live

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ambrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambrose/gifts).



The first time Clarke noticed the figure was in the throne room three days after Lexa's passing. It was supposed to have been a clean path to choosing the next commander, but the circumstances regarding Lexa's end—as well as the business with the sky people—had put the ambassadors on what looked to Clarke like a warpath. Titus had been arrested and jailed, naturally, and his fate would be decided by the next commander, whoever that was. From the way the ambassadors kept arguing day in and day out it didn't seem like they actually wanted a new commander.

Clarke looked down on the small case she clutched in her hands. She should have been involved, trying to get everyone do to something instead of screaming at each other, but she had lost the will. A part of her screamed nonstop that her people was in danger, and for every day that passed more and more people on both sides of the barricade died. Except for Lexa it didn't seem like there was anyone who cared about the fact that people died because there wasn't anyone to make the decisions.

If only Lexa had been there, Clarke thought and stroked the case. She was there, her spirit was still there in her hands, waiting for the next bearer of her will, but Lexa herself was gone. The thought was somehow deafening, silencing every voice around Clarke and leaving her with her own thoughts. She had cried without pause for two days, but all she needed to do was think of the small chip in her hands and the presence she was missing—the presence that should have been there, hadn't Clarke given in to her weakness—and she felt the ache in her too dry eyes. They all talked about Lexa, throwing out 'Heda wanted' and 'Heda did' over and over, but it felt like she was the only one actually affected.

The night bloods might have been able to get the situation under control, or at least mourn with her, but they were all kept in their rooms and guarded. No one was allowed to visit them, apparently, and Clarke had been turned away at Aden's door. Lexa had wanted him to be commander after her. She had trusted him and introduced him to Clarke; she had loved him, like a brother or a child. If anyone felt the loss like Clarke did it would be him, and the desire to speak with him had been the only thing she had wanted for days. With that denied to her there was nothing for her to do than sit on her chair and stare at the case holding Lexa while tempers flared high all around her.

A prickling sensation caused Clarke to look up. Out on the floor three ambassadors were seconds away from tearing into each other, and the volume should have given her a headache, but the voices sounded weak and distant. The rest of the ambassadors sat on their chairs, or stood whispering together, or watched the argument with glee. None of them spared her as much as a look, and Clarke looked away. The longing for Lexa and her strength and her words of wisdom squeezed her chest painfully, and Clarke looked over at the throne where she should have sat.

There wasn't anyone on the seat, but next to the throne, with her hand trailing the wood with light fingers, stood Lexa. Clarke scrunched her eyes shut and clutched the case harder, feeling the edges bite into her hand. When she opened her eyes again Lexa was still there, and she looked upon the room with an expression of sadness and disappointment. She looked like the fateful accident had never happened, so strong and poised and beautiful it hurt to look at her.

When Lexa turned her eyes at her Clarke felt a jolt go through her body. Lexa frowned and shook her head, gesturing at the people arguing. In that moment, as her eyes locked with Clarke's, she looked so helpless, and Clarke felt her pulse beating around the case in her hand. Lexa was right; something had to be done, and Clarke was the only one who could do anything.

Nobody noticed her when she rose from her seat, but as Clarke stepped determinedly towards the three ambassadors she knew fully well all eyes would be on her very soon. Her heart was beating in her chest and she glanced at the throne again, seeking courage from what had to be a hallucination. Lexa was smiling, and it gave Clarke all the strength she needed.

 

\-----

 

The second time happened about a week later, at what Clarke thought of as the coronation. She was standing next to Aden, decked out in dress, braids, and paint. It was a feeling of success and happiness, because she had managed, she had gotten the next commander to be chosen, but she couldn't help remembering that the last time she had been dressed up like that she had been standing at Lexa's side. Aden was a sweet child, thoughtful and just and kind, but his presence only reminded Clarke of the one who wasn't there.

She had to keep her feelings from interfering, however. The evening was supposed to be joyous, a celebration for the new commander. There was no space for anything but happiness and pride as she saw the leaders of each clan bow to Aden one after one. The only one missing was the sky clan, but as the ambassador Clarke had bowed and swore fealty instead. Aden had promised that they would discuss her people's situation as soon as possible, but for now it was better to pretend nothing was amiss.

It was strange, she thought as she stood in a corner of the room and watched grounders from all clans chat with each other. So recently they had all been at each other's throats, but now they were all getting along and making friendly talk. All it had taken was to get a commander chosen, and the people had calmed down. Or at least—she watched some unhappy faces at the other side of the room look at her and Aden alike—pretend to have calmed down. As long as they obeyed they could feel however they wanted, she thought and sipped from the glass in her hand.

The grounder alcohol tasted too good, and she had to force herself not to just down it all. It would certainly look bad if she ended up drunk on such an evening and losing control of what she did. She could just see it in her mind: she would stumble over to Aden and squeeze his cheeks, telling him how proud she was and how proud she knew Lexa was, and then she would start fights with every single person who had annoyed her in the last week. The people closest to her threw her long looks when she snorted, and she quickly covered her mouth. She shouldn't find it as amusing as she did; had she accidentally drunk more than she had thought?

Clarke didn't notice Lexa until she stood right in front of her, but somehow the sight of her only made Clarke smile. She had changed clothes and was wearing the same dress that she had been wearing when Clarke swore fealty to her. The sight of her was breathtaking, and Clarke wished she had only been able to see what she had sooner. She longed to reach out and take her hand or kiss her, but even in the state she was Clarke knew she couldn't.

"Hello, Clarke," Lexa said.

Clarke was too busy staring mesmerized at Lexa's lips and watching how they moved, that she at first didn't realize Lexa had actually spoken. When she did she looked up with wide eyes, clutching the glass as some sort of lifeline. Finn hadn't spoken to her when she hallucinated him after his death.

"You don't have to say anything." Lexa shook her head and made an aborted movement, letting her arm fall to her side again. Had she been reaching for Clarke's hand? "I just wanted you to know that I have seen all that you have done, for Aden and for my people. For yours too, of course. I'm truly grateful for it, I hope you know that, and I hope you will stay by Aden's side just a bit longer. He will need a helping presence in the near future, someone who will support him without meaning him harm. I know you can do it."

Clarke opened her mouth, but no words came to mind and she just made a weak sound instead. Lexa smiled, and it seemed to light up the entire room. "You are very beautiful, Clarke. It was so good to see you."

Someone walked in between them, and when they had passed Lexa was gone. Clarke felt tears in her eyes and quickly blinked furiously, trying to get them to disappear. It wouldn't do to start crying in the middle of a celebration like that, even if the tears was of joy rather than grief. Her chest wasn't aching any longer, and she realized she was actually smiling.

"You are beautiful too," she whispered and imagined Lexa's bright smile.

 

\-----

 

In the following weeks, as Clarke worked without break trying to come up with ways to bring peace about between her people and the grounders again, she saw Lexa several times. It was always when she needed her the most, when her resolve was falling apart and she didn't know what to do. She would turn around or look up and find Lexa there, smiling and nodding encouraging. There wasn't any words exchanged, and Lexa disappeared quickly enough, but it was always enough to renew Clarke's determination.

She was in camp with Aden and his advisors, despite the murmurs that she shouldn't be there, that she was skaikru. The day had been spent holding a war council, and the next day they would be meeting with the leaders from Arkadia. Clarke could remember Pike clearly, but the memory she had of him as a gentle teacher didn't match anything that she had heard about him as Chancellor, and her stomach was threatening to empty each time she thought about the morning. Aden's concern, while sweet, was only more distracting and she had finally excused herself to take about walk.

It had taken a while but finally she had found a secluded spot where she sat down against a tree and closed her eyes. She wasn't surprised to find Lexa beside her when she opened them. In the corner of her eyes she watched Lexa's hands and imagined reaching out. Would she find empty air, or cold skin, or something else entirely?

"You're worried." Lexa looked at her with a serious face, and Clarke smiled as she wrapped her arms around her knees.

"So you've noticed? I didn't see you around today."

"I am always here, even if you cannot see me. I have not left your side for one moment."

Clarke burrowed her chin in her arms and stared at the ground. It was the first time she had talked to Lexa, and she had answered back. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to ask. There was only one thing first. "Are you real? Or are you another of my hallucinations?"

"I don't know. I don't feel like something other than me, but that might well be part of your hallucination. I always thought my spirit would be within the next commander, so I don't know why I am wandering around here." Lexa hesitated, and when Clarke glanced over at her she was looking up at the sky. "The last thoughts I had was of you. I suppose my spirit decided that staying near you and helping you was more important to me. I always knew that Aden would take over after me, so it might be that I feel comfortable enough to let him make his own decisions without my help. I have already done my best to guide him."

"It shouldn't have happened. Aden is a good person, a good commander, but he shouldn't be commander yet. You should. If it hadn't been for me, if I hadn't been so weak and stayed you would still be here." There was a lump in Clarke's throat and no matter how hard she swallowed it wouldn't go away. She might not feel like throwing up anymore, but the guilt was so much worse.

"Clarke, look at me."

When Lexa used that tone there was nothing Clarke could do but obey, and she slowly raised her head. Lexa had turned her whole body to face her and her face was as intent as Clarke had ever seen. It felt like her green eyes was penetrating her to her core, and all that she was, all that she felt and thought, was laid open.

"What happened was not your fault. If I could do it over I wouldn't hesitate, I would do the exact same as I did then. You gave me so much, and you taught me even more. I used to believe that love was weakness, but then you came into my life and I discovered it was the opposite. Love is strength, and with you by my side I was so much stronger. I wouldn't exchange our time together for anything."

"But you're d- you're gone because of me!" It hurt to look at Lexa and see the earnesty in her eyes, but Clarke couldn't make herself look away. Tears were running down her cheeks but she ignored them. Even if she had tried to do anything her hands were shaking too much for her to wipe them away.

"No, Clarke. You must understand that you have no part in the blame. What happened happened, and Titus will be held responsible for his actions soon enough. You, you brought me to life."

Clarke watched with bated breath as Lexa reached out to cup her face. It wasn't like any feeling she had expected; there was something that touched her, something more than cold air, but it felt more like the ghost of a touch rather than two hands intimately holding her. She couldn't decide whether the impression of Lexa's hands were warm or cold, but then she couldn't really concentrate on it. Her tears were still running freely down her face, and she wasn't sure she could stop them even if she tried.

"I love you, Clarke kom skaikru. In my life and in my death. If there was ever a regret I had about us it was the mistakes I made, the way I betrayed you and hurt you. What I don't regret is the time we spent together."

"I don't want you to be gone." Clarke hunched in on herself, feeling the sobs wreck through her body. She had to sit on her hands to keep from reaching for Lexa, because she didn't know what would happen if she tried to touch her. The tears were making it impossible to see anything so she closed her eyes and pressed her chin against her knees, trying to remember how to breathe and talk instead of crying. "I miss you so much. Every moment you're not here hurt so, so much. I don't know how to make this without you, I need you by my side."

"You don't need anyone but yourself, Clarke. You are so strong and you can do so much more than you think. I will be by your side, but you don't need me. You will make it, just believe in yourself."

The ghost of lips pressed against Clarke's forehead, but when she jerked her head up Lexa was gone.

 

\----

 

Clarke leaned back against the pillows in her bed. Finally there was a chance for her to just breathe out and spend some time with her thoughts, which she hadn't realized she missed. It had been a tough two months but neither she nor Aden had given up, and with the help of allies within Arkadia there had finally been a truce struck. Clarke was certain that, with time, the sky people would get more comfortable with the grounders and eventually they would all start to consider themselves a natural part of the thirteen clans.

The question that pulled at her now was about her own fate. Her mother had asked her to come back to Arkadia, now that it was safe again, and Aden had said that while he would like her to stay the choice was entirely up to her. She had friends that waited back at Arkadia, as well as her mother, but Polis had become a home to her. The people knew her, and she loved walking around the city during the morning, exchanging news and pleasantries with the people at the marketplace. Aden and the other night bloods were in Polis, and Indra, Octavia, and Lincoln often came to stay there. It was in Polis that she had all the memories of Lexa.

Clarke sighed and rubbed her face. When she opened her eyes a smile spread over her face and she sat up, smiling at Lexa who stood next to her bed. "I was hoping you would show up."

Lexa smiled, but didn't answer, instead sitting down on the edge of the bed and looking around.

"You know my dilemma, right? Should I stay here, where I have a new life and friends, or should I go back to Arkadia? My mom is there, and Bellamy and Raven and Monty and everyone. I don't know what to do." She sighed heavily and flopped down on the bed again, waiting for Lexa's advice. She always knew what to do or say.

"You will have to find out the answer about that by yourself, I'm afraid." Lexa sounded subdued, and Clarke looked over at her with a start. "I will always stay with you, I have promised you this before, but you are safe now. The peace has been reached, Aden is commander, and you are safe. There is nothing more for me here."

"No! I'm here, I still need you!" Clarke scrambled to her knees and reached out for Lexa, stopping halfway between them. Her hands hung awkwardly in the air, but even as the desperation threatened to choke her she was too scared to try and touch Lexa, certain that she would disappear for good if she did. "I will never stop needing you. Please... please don't leave me."

It hurt even more in Clarke's chest when Lexa turned her face and she could see that Lexa was crying silently, a drop slowly running down her cheek. She was smiling, however. "You don't need me. You have yourself, and there is no one else you need. See all that you have done; it has been your work, your accomplishments. You can live your life exactly how you want to now, without feeling like you are chained to a memory of a ghost. Because that is all I am, Clarke, and even with all the love we share that can never change. For me to finally leave you have to admit it to yourself."

"Admit what? I don't know what you're talking about, and even if I did I wouldn't do it, because then you would leave. You can't leave." She was crying too, again. Lexa reached out and wiped away a tear, but even if the sadness in Lexa's eyes hurt a part of Clarke wanted to keep crying. As long as it would keep Lexa with her just a little longer. "You say I have done things, well, maybe I have, but the only reason I have been able to do it was because you gave me strength every time I needed it!"

Lexa shook her head. "You underestimate yourself and your abilities. You are capable of so much more than you know. If I stay I will only hold you back. I need to leave, Clarke, but I can't do that until you release me."

Clarke decided to ignore her fear and reached up, grabbing Lexa's hand and clutching it tight between her own hands. As long as she didn't focus on how it felt she could pretend there was nothing wrong. "But I don't want you to leave. I love you! I love you so much, and I can't stand the thought of never seeing you again. I don't want to be alone."

Lexa smiled and leaned forward, bringing their foreheads together. "You are never alone. Even if I move on a part of me will always be with you, forever. You are in my heart, and I am in yours. One day you will find someone else to love, and you will look back at your memories with me and you won't feel pain. I will look upon you then and I will feel nothing but happiness for you."

Clarke closed her eyes and forced back her tears. "But I don't... I love you."

"And I love you too, more than I can properly tell you. But you need to let me go. You need to admit the truth. It will hurt for a while, but there are people here that love you. Don't be afraid to lean on them."

Clarke took a rasping breath and nodded. "I know. You're dead. You died that day, and you need to move on. I swear to you, I will never stop loving you!"

For a moment Lexa felt solid, warm, alive, and she chuckled. Her lips were warm and soft as she pressed them against Clarke's, and her voice was more tender than Clarke had ever heard it as she said, "I will always love you too. Goodbye, Clarke."

When Clarke opened her eyes she was alone, but the warmth lingered. "Goodbye, Lexa," she whispered right before her voice broke and she was overcome with sobs. She knew, somehow, that she would be alright. She would make a decision and she would continue living her life; she might even be happy. But for now she would allow herself to cry over her love one last time.


End file.
